What to say (and what not) and how to help someone who has survived sexual assault, including organisations that can help
You don’t need to be an expert in sexual violence to lend a caring, supportive ear. It might feel like a daunting task, but the value of just being there for a survivor can’t be overestimated. Navigating a conversation can be difficult and you should be prepared for a survivor to express a range of emotions, but there’s some sound advice from Rape Crisis England & Wales here on how to listen. Above all, believe what you’re being told, don’t judge, respect boundaries and remember it’s not their fault.
Image: Gaelle Marcel
If and when they’re ready, a local Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) can be a good place to start. They can attend without speaking to the police and still get a forensic exam, along with medical help with injuries, emergency contraception and STI and pregnancy tests. An Independent Sexual Violence Adviser can provide free, confidential and tailored support on everything from accessing specialist health care to navigating the judicial process. Find a local one through the Survivors Trust here. There’s also Survivors UK, which caters specifically to men and non-binary people. Longer term, Rape Crisis can signpost local counselling support. They have equivalent organisations in Scotland and Ireland.
Image: SouthWorks
Sexual assault is a crime, full stop. By definition, it’s any sexual act, including intercourse and intentional touching, that they haven’t agreed to. For anyone unclear on what consent means – and what it doesn’t – Citizens Advice provides this guidance. If they’re ready to go to the police, they can try asking for a specialist Sexual Offences Liaison Officer. If not, a SARC can take both statements and forensic evidence, and store it in case they want to report a crime at a later date.
Offer to accompany them to appointments or to a police station, or – if they’re afraid of being alone – make time to stay with them for a few nights. It’s best to ask what help they want rather than make assumptions. Remember to be patient and don’t be offended if a kind offer is turned down. Let them stay in control and don’t push them to do anything until they’re ready.
Image: Becca Tapert
Guilt, shame or fear of being judged are just a few reasons why survivors might not immediately tell anyone what’s happened to them, so it’s important not to question their motives and ask why they haven’t spoken up sooner. The reality is that sometimes, it can take years to confide. Similarly, don’t ask why they didn’t run or fight: it’s normal for people who experience a sexual attack to sometimes feel frozen and unable to speak. And remember it’s not your story to tell, so always maintain confidentiality and only share a survivor’s experience with their permission.
Image: Munga Thigani
Main image: Delmaine Donson
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